I'm desperately looking for motivation. Probably I lost it somewhere, or maybe I didn't have any at all.

It's life, your own life. No one else can control it better than you. Believe in yourself, trust yourself, have faith in yourself. Though hope can be frail, it won't be lost. There can be miracles, as long as you believe. No one will know what miracles you can achieve. But somehow, you will. Now, you will.

I'll cling on to Open House, throwing away whatever that clashes with it. I've sacrificed so much so I can hold on to it, so no way am I going to let go this time.

I've said goodbye to OB Sabah. Now I'm going to say goodbye to Melbourne. I'll not destroy the school's image for some fun in Melbourne. It's a great opportunity, yes, but the success of Open House is more crucial than experiencing, to me, an all-new and foreign place.

Who am I?

Before I start anything, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAISHERNG!!! =D Buddy, you rock!!!

Pei Hwa Secondary School council investiture. Very minor and rather informal one, but was actually quite a fresh experience to me. I think only 5 schools attended, and it was something like my primary school prefects investiture. Totally different experience, even compared to ACSI Investiture last year, although the format is actually quite the same.

Pei Hwa's campus is a relatively new one, and at Sengkang area. Not entirely big (compared to Hwa Chong every school's small -.-), I think I didn't explore the whole campus, but judging by what I have seen, it's the standard Sec School size. It's a new school as well, and probably not very developed yet, but it's quite cool to have a council, albeit not a very big one.

It was 50min of bus ride from Hwa Chong, then 1.5hrs of LRT+MRT ride back home. Stoned at school talking crap in class with Xin Jie, and I lugged my books there for nothing. Shouldn't have assumed that I could read so much anyway. And it was kind of sian in a sense, so we were finding things to do. So we went to the library, where he owned me in reversi and I owned him in I-chess (totally luck, I caught a possible move and it was a checkmate). And so much for rushing and worrying that we'll be late, we sort of arrived an hour early. Thanks a lot HSC. I almost got a stomach ache from the noodles that I ate too quickly.

I just realised how fortunate I am, being able to study in Hwachong, just simply the library has about 10 times more books and probably space as well, and probably the fantastic facilities we have exclusively, and probably most importantly the culture we have. Treasure every moment. 爱我华中.

I have just discovered the pro-ness of QQ. It probably owns everything. Sadly only people in China use it. They should internationalise it, like MSN, though Microsoft would probably KS.



Thank you Jingyi, for everything (=

**********************************

你的话 你的泪 你的笑 你的美
在我眼中胜过最美的玫瑰
抱着梦往前飞
不逃避不后退
你是我成功路上的堡垒

给我翅膀
让我可以翱翔
给我力量
是你让我变坚强
不怕受伤
因为有你在身旁
你的笑 你的泪
是我铸梦路上最美的太阳
－最美的太阳　张杰

Why must this year be so full of failures?

I'm sick of life. I'm virtually left with nothing.

Things aren't turning out the way they should be. I'm totally sick of it.

Nearly everything's lost.

What am I for?

I need something, but I don't know what... Help me.

End of the scam holidays. Or actually more of homework week.

Well, what have I done in the week? Saturday gone for YLS, Sunday was sort of free? Probably spent sleeping? Monday was gone for CCA, a very bad day. Tuesday was probably the only truly free day, which I spent stoning with maths self study while settling loads of iCMG crap. Wednesday was iCouncil camp and departure for cruise in the evening. Cruise was until Friday afternoon, and after I got back I had a total spam of emails and SMSes, and I just realised how much I have left to do within 2 days. Saturday was spent at school for BSP seminar, and finally Sunday I had to rest and do homework.

Spent quite some time reflecting on myself, and hell what's wrong with me! I feel like someone totally living for nothing, for no purpose, with no aims. I feel useless.

Start of Term 2. My aim for this term, results-wise, is to get A1 for CSC, A2 for Chinese and B3 for IHC. I'm seriously dead if I don't improve.

I have Open House, and iCMG shall start work. iLounge should launch into full stable operation, I hope Andrew's doing well. Let's go.

I'm dead for strings.

I'm so delighted that I have some really good friends. <3

I don't get whatever I need,
Yet I don't need whatever I get.
----------
Why can't things work both ways?
----------
The world does not revolve around me, mind.

YLS!!!

Yes it's a super fei version of SLC, planning was quite crap, things screwed up, and the whole thing was boring.

But I don't want to make my three days fei as well. At least, I don't want to think that it's fei. After all, it's not like ACSI didn't put in any effort into organising it, and so at least make them feel a little satisfaction that we participants had some takeaway.

Yup, the content wasn't really great and I can't gain anything much. Well, it's not the content, the convention and all those that's important. The key thing would be the friends you make, isn't it?

My past 4 days were totally fantastic, as I made so many new friends! And good friends as well!

First from YLS:

Lai Lin, our non-council fac (at YLS it's called facils but I'll just stick to fac as it's more convenient)! She's cute and hyper and random, and tries hard to hype us up, like engage us in convos, make sure we have done our job well, etc. And this habit of taking off her thick-frame specs and putting it on at random moments. Our chamber would have been much more boring without her. Thanks Lai Lin!!!

Hannah, our council fac! She gives a sian face but she's always so caring! She looks like she's going to drop dead anytime (no offense) but she's always aware of what we're doing and when to step in. I guess our group would be even more screwed without her. Thanks Hannah!!!

Chenhui, ACSI Year 4, Prefect Councilor! He's a really friendly guy, quite high position in ACSI Prefectorial board. First day we knew each other because apparently he was from PRC like me, and we were the only two in our chamber who were non-ACSI Year 5 & 6. So we had no choice but to talk to each other while the other Year 5 and 6 people talk among themselves. And we knew each other very well after that! He brought me around the school and into the Prefects Board Room (shhhh, not allowed). I would have been totally left out in the chamber without him. Thanks Chenhui!!!

Sree, ACSI Year 5, Council Nominee. She's the type who's open about things, but still has lots of comments. And she's friendly, probably the first chamber mate I talked to. She had trouble with food as there wasn't vegetarian food provided (none that we knew of). And she was probably the person who made Social Night bearable for me. Thanks Sree!!!

Leon, ACSI Year 5, Council Nominee. He's sort of flirty and despo as everyone says, but he's enthu and really sociable. I guess the person he socialises with most would be Lai Lin. He's not really eager in our chamber tasks but he just hopes that we are hyped up and bonded. Thanks Leon!!!

Bryan, ACSI Year 5, Council Nominee. He looks quite strong and muscular, and cool! Carries this 15 inch Dell laptop which is cool as well, and does things fast, especially the powerpoint. Quite fun-loving as well. Our chamber would be screwed if he hadn't been so proactive in the powerpoint. Thanks Bryan!!!

Well, presenting to you, Chamber 3 of Health Sector!

And some others within the sector, and outside as well, although not really close, just remember the face, but well it's good enough.

And a very good friend I made, not during YLS. Actually it was since like 3 months ago but we only started talking 4 days ago. Really enjoyed talking together, and we have so many things in common! It's really fortunate to know this great new friend.

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Am I ready for a totally screwed-up holiday?

Leadership Sabbatical Day 2

Buddhist Lodge visit! Buddhist Lodge is a fantastic place, like this mega Buddhist temple, but it's actually more than that. It's seven storeys high with function rooms, halls etc, very cool! But the amazing thing is what they do - they're like totally a charity organisation. Free meals for everyone regardless of race or religion, provide bursaries for needy students, help the elderly and needy, help prisoners, or anyone that needs help. The chairman of the Lodge was a Chinese High alumni, and his 2-hour talk was totally inspiring. Some stories he shared were really touching, and his selfless thinking was really awesome. He's rather old, so he tends to drift off a bit, but that's beside the point. His key purpose I believe is to inspire us into doing charity work, but he kept on emphasizing, 做慈善需要三点：第一，要愿意；第二，要有能力；第三，要做就要做好。如果不能保证能达到这三点，那就别做善事。And the central idea of Buddhists: 慈悲. Nope I'm not starting to like Buddhism, and I'm going to remain neutral. But he's just a fantastic person, and the lodge a fantastic organisation.

We had a buffet lunch as well, and I was wondering where they got so much money to cater such good food for a thousand over people every day. And he gave us souvenirs as well - a 自强不息 keychain and a vacuum flask. 华中子弟。 I feel so proud to be from Chinese High.

Leadership Sabbaticals Day 1

I kind of loved leadership sabbaticals. I know it's actually quite boring, like sit there for 5 hours just to listen to people talk, but I really enjoyed it.

Mr Teo started off by stating his personal opinion on leadership - that it's influence. I quite agree to that.

We had Dr Hon first, who talked about Transformational and Servant Leadership. I felt quite sleepy but I didn't fall asleep at all! His activities were quite fun in a sense, and the way he presented was engaging. Mr Ng's presentation about the heart of leadership was yet of a different style. He loved to do individual reflections, where he asked every single student to talk, instead of in groups. He used a lot of analogical and hypothetical examples, helpful and requires a lot of thinking. There's something he pointed out as well in a story, that traditions can last forever with people not knowing why the tradition was there in the first place, and a leader stands out by questioning the tradition, and changing it to be suitable. And his key point - servant leadership is the ability to relate to people. Intelligence is the must-have in leaders, but integrity is what makes a good leader.

In the end Mr Teo pointed out something about leadership - that it's not solely about SK like what CITs always do, and neither is it "empowering" juniors to be SKWs.

With this I immediately thought of what usually happens before orch, when seniors will just yell at the juniors to set up, and that "it's a tradition". Isn't this the "empowerment" of juniors to be SKWs? And immediately it happened an hour later at orch, with Zher Yin yelling at me to set up. What's the use though, if I understand this principle but others don't? Yes I agree with influence, but how, when you're not in the state of doing so?

And this boils down to yet another thing - what are we student leaders portrayed as? What, people who are here just to push people away and to show off their experience and knowledge in leadership? What is council, an organisation to prevent over-passionate people from rioting and campaigning? Do we ever get true support? When we're invested on stage, do the people applaud us from their hearts?

Has the student population not benefited from student leaders, just council for that matter of fact, that they have to insult us this way? Sacrificed afternoons, sleepless nights, stuffed holidays, all for the school and students, and what do we get? Insults? Criticisms? What made you think that we're in council for the portfolio, for the CIP hours, for the glory? Isn't it all for you, the student population.

It's really very hard.

I shall not post anything offending until it's safe from doing any harm.